dont read this anymore!

all entries from this blog have been exported and can now be read on the current blog. no more posts will come to The Island.

read Raoul Duke Lives

The Island is Dead.

-


-
http://raouldukelives.blogspot.com/



RIP

conversation on a bus

“Look at my sticker of a chicken.”
“I think that’s a rooster.”
“Gobble gobble.”
“That’s a turkey, silly.”
“Cock-a-doodle-doo.”
“There, that’s a rooster.”
“Then what’s a chicken? Cluck cluck?”
“Yeah, cluck cluck.”
“What noise do horses make?”
“Neigh neigh.”
“Cows?”
“Moo moo”
“Pigs go oink oink. What else is there?”
“Cats. Meow meow. And dogs. Woof woof.”
“I thought dogs said bow wow.”
“I guess they say that too. But what dog says bow wow? To me they sound more like woof woof.”
“Dogs in Japan say wan wan.”
“And frogs in Japan say gerro gerro.”
“Hahaha. Gerro gerro. Gerro gerro. That’s funny.”
“I hate frogs.”
“Sheep. They go baa baa.”
“Ohh, yeah.”
“Wait! Ruff ruff. Don't dogs go ruff ruff?”
“Yeah, they say that too.“
“Dogs can say a lot.”
“Yes they can.”
“I want a dog.”
“I want a real big dog and a really little dog. I think it would make a good Christmas card.”
“I think it would.”

421am: wake up, look at clock, curse the world
428am: sleep again
545am: awake
552am: still awake
559am: roll around in bed, search for a spot to fall back asleep into
610am: still awake
611am: get up, pee
612am: make tea
613am: check email and messages
620am: poop, stare at same page of magazine yet again.
630am: update microsoft office, turn off alarm #1
644am: have shower
655am: dress
7am: turn off alarm #2 and smoke a cigarette on balcony
725am: make toast and put on socks.
727am: update macbook software
730am: eat toast with strawberry jam
732am: install OSx security update
740am: write this bizarre list.
746am: brush teeth
748am: leave apartment.

i don't buy watermelon

this is a suika. we call it a watermelon in english.

i took this photo with my cell phone while i was at the store earlier today.

that number, 2980, is the price of the watermelon in my local grocery store.

2980 yen.

right now, 2980 japanese yen are worth 29 US dollars.

$29!

I love watermelon, but I don't love it for 29 dollars.

I don't even think I'd love it for 10 dollars.

Guess I'll keep eating bananas.

the plants are dying. don't know what to do.

thought this would be easy:

i provide water & sunlight,
the plants photosynthesize.

we are happy. nothing dies.

must be dreaming.

all things die.

file under: random saturday.

If you ever get thrown into the back of a police car, Japan is the best place for it to happen.

I was sitting in the police station explaining to them how everything went down, filling out forms, giving fingerprints and what have you.

“We need to go to the scene of the crime.”

“Okay.”

“Did you walk here?”

“Uh, yeah. No bike. Remember?”

“Ahh, yes. Right, then. Let’s go. We’ll drive you.”


This is the second time somebody has stolen my bicycle in Japan. Both times the bike was not locked.

Perhaps I bring these things upon myself.

I came home from work Friday afternoon to find that my bicycle was no longer standing in the bike rack next to my building. I rode it home the night before and walked to work the following morning. Sometime in between returning Thursday night and getting off work Friday afternoon the bike was taken.

So I went to the police on Saturday to report the bike as stolen.

The police took me quite seriously.

They had three men on the case asking serious questions.

“What color was the bike? In centimeters, how tall is it? How many gears? What color was the seat?”

So this is how I ended up in the back of a police car somewhere in semi-rural Japan.

In America, I’ve been in a police car one time. Different story all together. What's important about that is when I was in said police car I took in a few key details.

First, there's a Plexiglas and wire screen dividing the front of the cab with the back. Second, the back seats are plastic and have no seatbelts. And, there are no handles on the doors or any way to manipulate the windows.

Not a luxurious experience.

Quite the opposite in Japan.

Brand new Toyota Prius, with plush cloth seats and seatbelts and automatic doors and windows and all. And there was nothing whatsoever partitioning the cab.

The ride was pleasant.

When we arrived to the scene of the crime they got down to business. Flashlights, digital camera, tape measure, sketch pad.

It was quite an ordeal.

I smoked a cigarette and watched as they measured the distance from the street to the bike lot and from the bike lot to various spots adjacent to the lot. I stretched my mind, trying to answer their questions about which cardinal direction my bike was facing and what type of lock I used.

I can’t help but wonder if I would have gotten the same treatment if I weren’t a foreigner.

If this had happened in America, the situation would have went down like this:

Me: My bike was stolen from outside my apartment.

Police: Was it locked?

Me: No.

Police: You’re a dumbass. Get out of here. Lock it up next time.

Fortunately when I bought the bike in December I paid a few extra yen to register the bike as mine. That bought me an orange seal with a number on it. Right now, somewhere out there, my number is being used illegally by some lawless fiend. And the Japanese police are out to get them. Maybe.

***
The neon streets bustle with the revelry of Saturday night.

Earlier I had made a plan to meet Minsky and two of his Chinese friends for dinner and drinks. I was late because of the ordeal with the police. They didn’t mind.

I found them on the second floor of a nondescript izakaya. The place was warm and small. An old acoustic guitar rested in a corner. The woman in the kitchen was old. When I sat down there was already food on the table and they were not yet done with their first drink.

The girls were a little older. The cute one didn’t know any English. The one who knew a little English was unfortunate looking.

I ordered gin and tonic.

We talked causally and drank at a quick pace. Before sitting down they secured a deal on a two and a half hour all-you-can-drink course.

Gin turned into beer and beer turned into hot sake and the night drifted by like clouds passing in the sky.

We stumbled out of the place and into a clear night.

I tried to get the cute one to come home with me.

Her friend kept her safe.

I walked home alone in the night.

I was pissed.

Pissed off at my bike being stolen, pissed off that the girl didn’t come along. Pissed off of booze.

I was halfway home when I saw the white mountain bike. It was unlocked.

In a moment of drunken brilliance and self loathing, I got on the unlocked bike and started riding. I was hungry and needed to go to 7-11. I rode the bike there and bought a bento. As I was paying for the midnight snack, I was hit with a overwhelming sense of guilt and moral confusion.

Where is the logic in handing over hard-earned money to a massive, faceless corporation, yet stealing from unsuspecting individuals who stupidly leave their bikes unlocked?

I returned the bike to where I found it and walked home with my bento.

When I woke up the next morning my bike was still gone, I was alone and the bento lay on the floor unopened.

i bought three plants today. they're all in identical white plastic pots on my shelf. the one on the left is purplish and squatty. the middle one is the tallest. it has long bladelike leaves that are green in the center and outlined in yellow. then there's the bright green one on the right. it's cute. sorta like a small bush in a white pot. i think it's a lime plant. i can't remember.

i went to the nursery of the the hardware store down the road. i told the woman working that i needed her help finding good plants; that i was new at this and i didn't want to get in over my head. i also said i needed house plants. they must stay indoors with me.

now we are here together in this apartment. i am satisfied with my plants. they are well behaved and keep to themselves. but they make me feel satisfied and happy. i will love them and care for them and we will make each other happy.


at some point i life i want to get a dog. i will care for it. i will love it. we will make each other happy.

but i'm too irresponsible for that to happen now. it'll have to wait.



wish me luck.

so ralph nader wants to be president. this is the third time he's entered the race. i like the guy, i'd likely have more agreements on social and political issues with him than i would any other presidential candidate. i'm not sure he'd be a great president. but i'd be willing to give the guy a shot. he seems reasonable.

but the man is not electable. obama is. so is clinton. so is mccain. huckabee wouldn't stand a chance in a general election. but he could probably sneak in as vp. that would suck, but cheney was worse. nader couldn't carry a majority. i wish a man with his ideas and values could, the man's head is in the right place. but people aren't ready for nader. it's not going to happen.

people are ready for obama. people are ready for hillary.


hillary wouldn't be a bad president. she'd be a vast improvement to what we've had to deal with for the past two terms. and i believe her when she says that she could come in there on day one, pick up the ball and play. she could take action from the moment she sets in. i have little doubt of her ability to do so.

but she'd just be a new face in the same game, running plays out of the same book.

i need change. i think we all do.

if hillary were to be elected and served a full term, it would make more than twenty years of clintons and bushes in the oval office.

legacy doesn't need to be part of our political process. we need to move away from that, for the sake of the country. that's my biggest beef with hillary.


there's probably several thousand american citizens living and working in japan. i wonder how many of them will still be here in november, and who will actually take the time to cast an absentee ballot from abroad.

it's a presidential election. it's a big deal. you have to vote. but how much do votes from abroad count. the media controls the election results. as soon as a candidate gets a majority, the associated press will call the election, then other news outlets will follow suit to keep up with the game. this is all done before every ballot is actually counted. statistically, it's a reasonable thing to do. but it makes me think my vote is not going to matter. and that's shit.

but fuck it. i'm going to vote anyways. and it's going to be for obama. and maybe things will get better. or maybe they'll stay the same.

file under: fever dream

You can see me. I know you can.
I know this because I can see you too.
Why don't you say hey you?
I always initiate these things, it seems.

I sit here and wait for it.
I watch you from afar.
Maybe you’re busy,
But our talks are always good,

Even if they’re short.
So I’m sitting here, waiting.
Watching.
I want to say something,.
But everything inside says to hold off

And so I do, because for whatever reason,
It seems right.

Then I watch you close the door behind you.

"Instead of taking the teenager home, the Arlington man drove to an abandoned house in Fort Worth, beat his stepson with a baseball bat and sodomized him with a metal tool, police said."

This is an actual quote from an AP news story.

It is also the kind of sentence every journalist dreams of writing.

This must mean at least two things:

1.) The world, especially Texas, is fucked up; and,
2.) Journalists can be sick fucks.

To give this quote a little more context, The Arlington Man is the stepfather of an 18-year-old who allegedly sodomized his stepfather's biological 8-year-old daughter.

I might be wrong on this, but I also think Arlington, Texas is the setting of the animated FOX series King of the Hill. While I'm sure this is purely coincidental, I am also not surprised to hear this this bizarre act of sodomy occurred by the hand (?) of a man from such a place.

(EDIT: I just Wikipediaed King of the Hill, which is set in the fictional town of Arlen, Texas. Not Arlington. But that doesn't matter. My position still stands.)

During the the relatively brief time I was employed as a professional journalist, I got to see and do a number of ridiculous things in the name of good journalism.

Sneaking around the scene of a murder looking for a witness of sorts to give me a quote, waiting in suspense for a bank to blow-up by the hand of an deranged methhead hunting for cash, sitting next to real journalists who cover important national issues, such as the time when the President made a stop in KC to tout his new health care plan (which, uh, I'm still waiting to see, Bushy), these things made my job interesting. It was without doubt the most interesting job I ever had.

But it was also one of the most boring. When you're covering an area like Eastern Jackson County, Mo., there's honestly not a lot of excitement. There were days where I'd be begging for a fire or a robbery or something, anything to get me out of my desk and away from the hopeless and/or pointless story I was chasing only because I had run out of options and I had to file something for the next day.

It's a sick, sick thing to actually be happy when there's a fire or a bank robbery. And whenever there was and it was my job to cover it, I couldn't help but feel a little happy. An important assignment, a story that will be on the front page, that everyone will read, something to do at 2:30 on a Wednesday, a reason to quit making calls to the city waterworks department to find out if Mrs. Robinson really did step on a manhole cover and fall through, or if that woman was just fat and crazy.

I've just gone through the archives of the old newspaper, looking for sentences I wrote that could compete with the likes of the aforementioned metal tool sodomy, this is the best thing I could dig up in about five minutes of searching:

"A house party in unincorporated Jackson County went awry early Sunday morning when a man shot his brother in the face."

Nowhere near as good as metal tool sodomy. But still. I remember when I wrote this, I was working the weekend shift and I was the only one in the newsroom and I got a press release from the sheriff's department and jumped on it. I think we even joked about it over coffee the next morning.

That's sick.

Also sick: The Dead List that circulated throughout the newsroom; A list of names of newsworthy people that were to believed to be dead within the year. The person with the most correct names on the Dead List was to win some sort of cash prize. And of course notoriety.

I can only imagine the sick shit that goes on in a newsroom in Arlington, Texas.

so it's tomorrow and i call you to discuss Everything and you don't answer and not just that but the skype tells me that the Call Is Refused and i don't know what that means other than that you don't want to talk to me because it's nearly one in the am but you should be awake right now because it's a good time for the conversation and when i speak with you i undoubtedly have the Good conversation and that's what i need about right now and everybody is gone and the songs are sad and the sunshine is far far away and i am here in this cold and smokey place with the whisky and the empty wine bottle and the half smoked joint and i'm looking for some person to speak with because i am rather frustrated and behooved with most things at the moment and i think everyone has to be working tomorrow and i do too but i'm far, far beyond caring about that at this point and i think it would be good to talk about how your new year was and what you did for christmas in the american wasteland. i think tomorrow there is a primary election in new hampshire and i hope that barack obama does well and that mike huckabee is destroyed and put back in his place at the bottom of the food chain. maybe a week ago i returned from thailand. i was in bangkok for a few days and also on these islands off the coast of the gulf of thailand. on christmas eve it was a monday and some time in evening as the sun was sinking down somewhere below the ocean i was on a boat filled with hundreds of people from all over the world and we were all dancing and drinking beer and smoking cigarettes and waiting for the full moon to show itself and when it did it was massive and scary and bigger than i have ever seen it before in my entire life because i was so close to the equator. and this boat was taking us to The Full Moon Party, but this wasn't just any full moon party it was The Full Moon Party, the biggest in the world. they all started on this small island called Ko Phang Nang and when i turned up when the moon was bright and high in the warm winter sky; and there were thousands and thousands and thousands of people roaming and dancing and crawling all over the place like freaks and drunken monsters. this dirty place was covered by scourges of boozed-out freaks sketchy transvestites and drug dealers and firedancers and zombies and ridiculous people fucking in the sand and pissing in the ocean and passed out and robbed on the beach. i was there high of cheap marijuana, talking with Randal and this stark raving man comes up to us and he says, "hey man, have you had the Mushroom Shakes?" and i tell him that it's imperative that he tell me were to get one and he points somewhere far far down the beach and says go towards the red lights, and pull him close to me and tell him to not lie and say the truth and this man is fucked up and i can tell it from his wild eyes and he says to go towards the red lights and so i tell Randall that we're going and we trek down the beach towards this psychedelic zombie factory and and there are signs on the way up the stone steps that read MUSHROOM SHAKEs and i that is exactly what needs to happen and so i go into this discotech and the lights are swirling everywhere and everything is fabulous and i ask the seedy Thaiman to give me what i'm looking for and he looks around with an eye of caution and then gives me the plastic cup of this thick black liquid and i carry it away down to the shore and sit on a rock and drink it quickly and start walking and maybe 15 minutes later i can feel something different and i have this urgent and compelling urge to get rid of this horrible plastic cup and i see this place where many others have put their cups to rest and so i do the same and join the rest of the zombies and i wander all night long looking for nothing and searching for everything and i meet people who are lairs and i meet people who are true and there are others who don't know what's happening and there are more who are just there to rob me but i am able to swim through all of this madness and enjoy the lights and the firedancers and the glowsticks and the heavy dance music and i smoke a lot of cigarettes and i started conversations with random folks from all over this rock and some of them are normal and some are too fucked to comprehend, like the fat guy from the UK who kept raving in my ears about Cambodia. this man who would never blink kept looking at me like i was his only friend, and say, " the Killing fields, man. the Killing fields. you have to go and see the Killing fields. it will Change you. and i heard him but at that point i could do nothing. i could barely understand this crazy person and so i escaped and went back to that party and by this point i had lost Randall in the fray. and i felt a little bad about it because i had encouraged him to drink one of these psychedelic cocktails and then left him alone because he was starting to Make Me Crazy and i had to get out of this horrible place and so I left the man raving about Cambodia and went and pissed in the ocean and when i was looking at what all was around me there were lifeless bodies and people naked and sandy and full of ecstasy and fucking on the shores and there was trash and discarded clothing and all kinds of unwanted shit and dregs and so i had to get away from this place and went towards the fire and this skinny thai man pulled me on to the ground and stuck his nasty beard in my face and asked me what kind of pills i wanted to buy and i didn't know how to answer this freak so i said i needed to have a cigarette and we smoked one and he kept trying to sell me drugs and i really wanted to have The Drugs but i didn't' trust this lunatic man, because i thought he would sell me over priced goods and then turn around and sell me to the cops to make another buck and so i smoked with this seedy man and then i left and and wandered down some alley and met these old people who must have been at least 45 and i asked them were they were from and they said, "We're European," and I asked them What The Hell that meant and they said they wanted to buy me a drink because i had a cute face and so i let them and eventually I found out they were Germans and we had some cocktails and then i told them i had to leave and I started looking for my friend Randall but in the horrid mix of transvestites and zombies and dead bodies it was too hard to find him and by then i was in need of some company and so i pretended to lose my cigarette lighter and sat down next to these people form Australia asked for a light and this guy said they didn't' have one but that he was Really Good at finding lighters and so I sat there and waited and he came back with a lighter that i really didn't' need and it came along with this schizophrenic man from Scotland who had a gigantic talking lizard and this crazy fucker talked with me and these Aussie girls until at somepoint they left to use the bathroom and they never came back because I think they realized there was more than just one crazy fucker talking to them in the middle of the night on christmas day.

the bird man

tham dii
dâi dii
tham chûa
dai chûa

Good actions bring good results. Bad actions bring bad results.
-Thai proverb

I don’t think any of us got much sleep. The guesthouse was alive with commotion early in the morning. I snapped into consciousness on the cold floor, I could hear the voices from the next room. They did not sound familiar. I opened my eyes. Ryan was sleeping heavily on the futon next to me. It took at least an hour before I could bring myself to rise out of bed. The consequences of the first night in a new city were wrecking havoc on my insides. I needed as much rest as I could afford.

When the noise and commotion and sliding doors and loud voices and passing cars became too much to ignore, I got out of bed. Ryan was gone. The gigantic tatami room was deserted. Rays of mid-morning sunlight beamed into the room. All but three futons were put away. One was mine. One was Ryan’s. I would meet the owner of the other soon.

I slid open the door and walked into the kitchen. Other travelers were shuffling about, doing the morning necessities. I made a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. Leaning against the counter, I tried to piece together what needed to be done before noon, when the guesthouse will kick everybody out for cleaning.

A young Japanese guy was sitting at the table across from me. A small television was on but he didn’t seem to be watching it.

I told him good morning.

His head was shaved with clippers and the sharp angles of his glasses gave his face definition. His left wrist was encircled by a tattoo that looked like waves breaking on the shore.

He said his name was Ando and he was from Toyota City.

“What are you doing in Kyoto?” I asked.

“I study Buddhism and meditation. I am here to visit the temples. Why are you here?”

“I came to see the leaves.”

“The koyo is good here. The leaves are beautiful.”

“How long are you staying?” I ask.

“I leave today. I’m going to the next city.”

“Have you been traveling long?”

“We are always traveling. I started my journey in Okinawa, then came to Hiroshima and then to Shikoku and then Nara. I’ve only been in Kyoto for a short time.”

“I have a friend who lives on Shikoku, I said. “In Ehime. David. He’s an American like me. He’s a painter.”

“I’m a painter too.”

“He’s also a Buddhist. I think you two would have a lot to say to each other.”

An employee of the guesthouse passed through the kitchen. I finished my tea and rinsed out the cup.

“We have to be out of this guesthouse by eleven,” I said.

“Yes. Eleven.”

“It would be nice to have a shower. I think the bathroom is still full. It was full a little while ago, overtaken by the women.”

He thought for a second before speaking.

“Sometimes they take longer.”

***

When I came back from the shower Ando was sitting on the floor of the tatami room.

“Look at this,” he said, motioning to a small brown paper bag.

I knelt on the ground and looked inside to see a small, brown Japanese dove.

“She is hurt.”

“What happened?”

“A crow attacked her neck. She can’t fly.”

“What’s her name?”

“Heiwa. Heiwa means peace.”

“What will you do with her?”

“I know a doctor who will make her better,” Ando said. “He’s not far.”

“She is very lucky you found her.”

“I am lucky she found me, too.”

a day in the floating world

This was originally part of a facebook message to a friend who asked me for an update, but it was too long to send on facebook and i don't have the friend's email so i'm putting it here because i want to



It was Thanksgiving last week. They don't really celebrate Thanksgiving here, but there is a public holiday on what's known in America as Black Friday. So I took a day of paid leave and had a nice four-day weekend. I waited too long to book my tickets to Kyoto, so the journey there was long and arduous. I left my house and walked to the train station though nasty ice cold wind blowing over the island. Fortunately, It was warmer down south in the ancient city. I took an express train into to Tokyo and got there about 8 o'clock and I had to get from Ueno to Shinjuku and the station was bustling with people all clamoring over each other to get a spot on one of the billion commuter trains. I hadn't been to Ueno station before and I was a little disoriented so when I located the right platform the train doors were just closing and people, cramped shoulder-to-shoulder like sardines in a metal cans, were being taken away.

Here in my countryside town, if you miss a train you're waiting at least thirty minutes before the next one comes, and that's just during peak hours. But in the heart of Tokyo, it takes all of thirty seconds before the next one arrives. An identical metal box of sardines ready for disposal. I squeezed in and took the ride. Maybe 20 minutes later the crowd thinned a bit and I was on the other end of the metropolis at Shinjuku station, which is like a strange zoo with all sorts of flavors of Japanese sardines flopping around. Some have suits and ties and some wear slutty boots and layers of makeup and some dress like gansta rappers with lugz boots and baggy pants and some are still in high school and wear regulation uniform, but the strange thing about Tokyo is that no matter where you look or who you look at, everything is beautiful.

So I left the sardine cannery and walked outside and smoked a cigarette and started to look for the bus depot, but I got distracted by a brilliant display of Christmas lights covering the whole of a random pavilion. Japan is an odd place. It has such a rich and incredible history, but tends to gloss over it all in the name of foreign western rituals. Japan has no cultural or religious stake in ideas like Christmas or Halloween. But they're here, in all their consumerist and capital-driven glory. Japan is a society of blatant, shameless mass consumption and consumerism. That's the dark side of this place. But I try not to let it get to me. I go with the flow of it all, and enjoy the pretty lights.

I found the bus depot and killed the time in between my departure by drinking beer from a convenience store. Kyoto is about eight hours away from Tokyo on the highway. In (what at the time) seemed like a reasonable and logical decision, I booked a seat on an overnight bus that would have me all the way down south by dawn the next day. This was not the best idea. The original plan was to drink heavily and then pass out, only to awake the next morning in a new city far away. Passing out did not happen. In fact, real sleep didn't happen. Just 8 hours of trying to fall asleep, dozing off for an hour or so, then waking back up. Over and over. On and on into the night. I didn't manage to make it through a full cycle of sleep in the entire eight hour bus ride, so when I arrived in the city I was drained and exhausted.

I also smelled. So I managed to orient myself and locate a public bathhouse on the third basement floor of a massive building near Kyoto station. The place was crowded and my naked white body drew the usual amount of stares from foreign eyes. I don't bath publicly often. Especially here, where just about every man has a physique superior to mine. Welcome to inadequacy.

I bathed and changed and paid and left quickly. The morning air was crisp and the sun was bright and warm. The city was alive. I needed to recharge to keep pace. So I found a Starbucks nearby and bought a medium sized cup of Sumatra coffee and sat outside, watching the masses bumble about. Kyoto is a massive city. I'd venture to guess that at any give point, there are at least 100,000 people in the train station (which is absolutely massive and also THE best station in Japan. Google it.).

I sat there drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. Watching people. Lots of foreigners in Kyoto. For some reason that irks me, it's like they're invading my space or something. And they all see you and your white skin and shoot you this obligatory glance of acknowledgment: "Hey look, I'm not Japanese! Hey, neither are you!" I can't fault them, the first time I came here I did the same thing. You can identify the foreigners who actually live here by the blank and disinterested expression they wear as they pass you by.

So I sat there, soaking in the vibe of the city, watching is ebb and flow. I messaged Ryan and Danielle and Kipp. The plan is to meet up later. We all originally met in Chicago at pre-departure orientation, and spend the first four days together in Japan together at the massive Tokyo orientation.

They didn't respond immediately, so I finished the coffee and put on my backpack and walked away. I stayed on the main road and came to a large temple that I had seen before on previous trips to Kyoto, but had never visited, so I went in side an looked around and it seemed like there was something going on inside, so I climbed up the stairs and took off my shoes and entered the temple. Scores and scores of people were all sitting down, waiting for something to happen. They were generally all older and Japanese. I asked the woman next to me what was going to happen and she said that the service would begin soon. For a brief moment, I thought I better leave, that I had fallen into a horrible trap, but then I thought about how I've never had an experience like this and since bought the ticket, I better take the ride.

The monks filed out in unison and took their places. The head monk recited a prayer, then begin to chant. Soon the rest of the men joined in and the temple reverberated with the deep droning chant of the monks and it sent chills thought out my entire body and I closed my eyes, but my mind was wide open. I could feel my body, I could hear what it was saying to me, I could feel the strain on my feet and legs from sitting Japanese seiza style, I could feel the fatigue throughout my body from the restless night. And I could also feel the natural diarrhetic effects of the black coffee coursing its way through my system.

I've never been a huge fan of using the restroom in public. Obviously, over the span of my 23 years, there've been numerous occasions where I've had to get over myself and take care of business. But I will say that if you ever have to drop a bomb in public, a Zen temple is really the best place to do it.

After that was over I took a walk around the temple grounds, looking at the colorful autumn leaves. The word for autumn foliage in Japanese is koyo. This city is renowned for its koyo. It's the reason I came.

***

So you loose your mind for a minute in a forest exploding with yellow and red and orange and green and you think you're on acid but you're not and you kick yourself a little for misplacing those three tabs you smuggled in from back home. Then you walk past a sign that says Let Us Discover The Significance Of Birth And Joy Of Living and that seems like something we all need to agree upon. And afterwards you keep on walking and still haven't heard from any of your friends so you keep on walking because you know there is a park nearby that you want to see but you don't have a map, but you think it's okay because you have a basic sense direction and as you walk through alleyways and side streets, past all the little shops and cafes and houses and vending machines you wonder if you're going in the right direction, but then you reach a gigantic forest surrounded by a Japanese wall and it occurs to you that you must have found what you were looking for.

And so you walk around the wall looking for the entrance and it takes 10 minutes and it was a long walk and you realize once you get in that it's not a public park, but a private garden that you have to pay to see. But you pay the 500 yen anyways and walk in behind an old man from Sapporo who has traveled much farther than you to be here in this ancient city in the autumn. But you can't help but wonder if the old man was disappointed to walk in through the gated entrance and turn the corner around the tall Japanese hedge only to see a field of dead plants. Brown and lifeless corpses, hardened by the sun and wind, somehow still standing proud and tall in a pond of green water. And you wonder if the old man who came so far was disappointed that death came quicker than he, or if he was able to find the beauty in it too. And so you walk through the garden and you look at all the beautiful things and some are full of autumn red and green and yellow and others have already finished the annual pilgrimage across colorful death and are now bare and lifeless, but there is still beauty in it all.


***

Later on Danielle and Ryan send for me and I walk back to the station from the garden and it's not too far to walk and along the way I can't help but think how much I enjoy this city and the fall.

So I catch a bus to another part of the city near the palace and imperial park and I find Danielle and Ryan on the second floor of a restaurant overlooking the palace grounds. With them was a girl from New Zealand called Anna. I hadn't met Anna before, but she is a friend of Danielle's who was in Kyoto too. I hadn't seen my friends in four months and it was wonderful to be in their presence again, because they are my kind of people, and those are hard to come by here.

They had mostly finished eating, but ordered dessert while I decided on a light lunch and the first of the day's beers. Danielle said she liked my pinstripe jacket. Anna criticized Ryan for being abrasive and blatantly foreign. I tell them the story I've just told you. Kipp sends a message. He wants us to meet him in the park. We paid for the meal and smoked a cigarette and walked to the park.

The palace grounds, covered in trees and plant life, had exploded in a fiery symphony of autumn colors. I had to put on sunglasses to keep from going blind from the beauty. Ryan and I wandered aimlessly, trying to lose ourselves in the wonder. Danielle followed not far behind. Anna went in a different direction and I never saw her again.

We spent hours in the park. Kipp came as the sun was beginning its decent behind the mountains. We looked at leaves and saw families walking dogs and couples sitting on park benches, looking young and in love.

When we left we made a quick stop at the guesthouse then took a bus to the Zen temple called Ginkaku-ji and it was very crowded, but still beautiful, especially in the twilight.

Afterwards we walked down the bustling sidestreet that led up to the temple and wanted to have a rest so we stopped in a small shop for a cup of tea, but ended up having coffee instead. And the shop had just opened back in August and the owner build all the tables and chairs (along with a wood cabin in Nagano) with his own hands and he also smoked meat and cheese in his little shop and he had two brothers who lives in the states.

We had coffee and smoked cheese and got up to leave and the man told us to take care and then we walked out into the night. And the street that was once bustling shoulder-to-shoulder with people less than an hour before was now deserted. All the shops were closed and it was dark, so we decided to go.

We saw an advert for nighttime leaf viewing and agreed that we should try to find the spot so we started walking towards that part of town. It was far enough to hire a cab, but we had trouble hailing one, but eventually did after walking halfway there.

The shrine was in Kipp's old neighborhood and he knew his way around. As we passed a tree that looked enshrined he told us the legend of the swordsman Musashi and how this was the tree that he hid in before jumping down to the ground and singlehandedly slaying 20 men. Then we went to the shrine and saw leaves lit up in the night and we took off our shoes to go inside and it was cold to walk on the tatami floor but everything was all right.

Then we left and needed food and drink so we made a quick stop for a beer and a snack then got on a small train with just one car and I almost lost a glove but Danielle found it and then we got off at a different station and caught a subway to a part of town that was glowing with neon and flashing lights.

We entered the floating world.

Music was blaring and people were in every direction and everything was illuminated and very different from the ancient temples and gardens we'd visited earlier. The exploding autumn forests had been replaced by neon and commerce and trying to navigate through the madness was a wild trip. We floated past hostess bars and love hotels and porno shops and bars and pubs are restaurants and clubs and game centers and everything was glowing in the night. We saw a sign that looked good and walked underground into an Indonesian restaurant.

It wasn't crowded, the only other table was also foreigners, which was odd because you suddenly have to watch what you say when you realize that other people in the room can understand English.

We ordered beer and spring rolls and tandoori chicken and pahd thai and curry and more beer and had a good meal.

What did we talk about? What was said?

I can't think of it now.

Except that Ryan asked the waitress if she thought the sheep brain curry was good. And she said that she liked curry but had never tried that one. I said I didn't blame her.

Afterwards we resurfaced back to the neon streets and met up with an old university friend of Kipp's and floated to a bar on the 5th floor of some building and paid 1000 yen for an hour of all you can drink so I switched from beer to whisky and soda with lime.
Then we left and found a skybar on the ten thousandth floor of a building on a hill and from the top we could see the entire city pulsing beneath us. We ordered another drink and a pizza and it was all overpriced but the atmosphere was good and at the table next to us were five Japanese and at some point three of them left and two girls stayed behind and struck up a conversation with Kipp and his friend Ikketsu and Danielle and Ryan and I ordered another drink and smoked cigarettes until Kipp pulled me into the other conversation and so then I talked with these Japanese girls and had a drink and then we needed a change of scenery and more affordable drinks so we got up to leave and invited the two girls to come with us and they said that would be fine. And they weren't very lovely, which was sad, but still true even after the drinks, but we floated to a bar somewhere and the interior décor was comprised mainly of bud leaves and other stoner paraphernalia but there were no real drugs but we stayed anyway and had two drinks and a shot of whiskey before we left the floating world and returned to the guesthouse by taxi and ended the first day in Kyoto.

numb

It’s ;cold and I;m typig with gloves on ande tthis is N EX[ERIENT TO SEE HOW I CAN TYPE WITH MY FINGERS HAVING THIS PADDIG nd thefeel of the fingers hittig the jeyps isdifferet and I CAT reaoly type CCCURtey and I keep hitting the caps lock and that’s ot good. Myeb LATER I’LL tak the gloves off and write something reL.

***

Two, maybe three hours later....

***

It’s warmer now. The gloves are off and I can feel my fingers again. I turned on my heater for the first time. It’s actually an air conditioner, but it can heat up to 30 C and that was enough to warm up this room. When I moved in to this place it was more or less fully furnished. Came with the standards: TV, bedding, table and chairs, random appliances. And also the greatest invention on earth. Heated Carpet. Yes, heated carpet. When I first saw it, folded up in the closet back in August when the heat was cruel and godless, I thought to myself, Jesus, that’s an uncomfortable looking blanket. It feels like a burlap sack. But, then it dawned on me that it was too thick to be a blanket, that no person would want to snuggle with this ugly square of shag, that it wasn’t mean to be slept under, but to be laid upon, to be thrown across the fake plastic wood floor and plugged into the wall and switched to the warmest setting. It’s a great thing, this carpet. It makes accepting the fact that I’ll be living through winter in an apartment with no insulation a little easier to swallow. But now, after more than two weeks of use, it’s getting dirty. Crumbs and dirt and body hair and spilt alcohol and toe nail clipping and cigarette ash have woven themselves into the wooly fibers so that now, while I’m toasting myself upon the rug, I am effectively doing so in a bed of my own filth.

This leads me to two new thoughts: a.) living alone is both wonderful and self destructive. And, b.) I need to buy a vacuum.

throw the dead dog in the fire.

what else can you do?

i never got to say goodbye to Otis the epileptic labrador. he is dead now. my father doesn't know yet. when he finds out he will be very sad and I don't know what he will do. he loved that dog. it wasn't even that old. five. maybe six, if that. poor dog.

i found out this morning, laying on a tatami mat far away from home. vicki and alexa had left already and mike and lauren and jaya and i were left laying in the room and it was raining outside and cold. after the festival we took a train to the city and met with many others at an expat hangout called GOD'S BAR. i switched from beer to whiskey too early in the night and as the drops of rain pounded on the window the next morning, the aching in my head kept the same rhythm.

when was the last time i saw that dog? maybe in june. yes. june. i had quit my job and was spending time at home with family after the bonnaroo. the big black dog would greet me when I went over to dad's. he never barked. he'd put his big head on my lap and keep it there until i tired of petting. then he'd roll around on the carpet and chew on his toys. one day dad found out that if you give the dog an empty two liter soda bottle to play with, he'd be happy for weeks. simple things bring the greatest pleasure in life. hugs and kisses and empty plastic bottles.

last time i talked to dad he said the dog was fine. fat and happy as always, he'd say. one time when we were talking over the summer dad said that once he finished the work on the inside of the house, he would build a fence so the dog could run around and not be in danger of getting hit by passing cars or harassed by horrible children. he never built that fence. now he probably never will. poor dead dog.

i was laying there on the floor, not really listening to the conversation going on. they were talking about the festival yesterday. it was a fire festival in sukugawa. people say it's one of the largest in the country. i stood up and walked into the kitchen. it was cold. it was becky's apartment and she was still asleep. my phone was on the table. i picked it up and went back in the tatami room where it was warm. i decoded a message that arrived at 4 in the morning from a crazy japanese woman who i believe may be a borderline stalker.

everybody was still talking about the festival, sharing photos, rehashing how the burning pyres were so hot and how the towering flames mesmerized us all. i pressed a button on my phone and connected to the internet and went to check my gmail. i had a mail from shea, a friend of my dad's. the day before dad was at the hospital having two of his vertebrae fused together. shea had mailed me then to say that the surgery went fine, but that the dog was rushed to the vet and they didn't know what was wrong. the latest mail from shea said that the dog died and they don't really know how or why and that they haven't told my dad yet.

this is where things get strange. where the line between life and death and human and animal starts to blur. it was a strange thing shea said, that when he went to the hospital to see dad after he was out of the surgery, dad, who was still heavily medicated, said: "I keep seeing Otis' face. It's like he's here and he's trying to tell me something."

maybe as my father lie unconscious on the operating table, under heavy anesthesia, flying through the vast and unknown plain that exists between life and death, he and otis found each other.

maybe that was their last moment together. as otis was taking his last breaths of air in this world, and my father lie comatose on the far side of consciousness, they found each other. it was there, on that plain far away from us all, where they shared one last moment. and otis got to say goodbye.

last weekend

The girl was young and tiny. Probably the same age as him. She sat at the bar of the Café del Mar eating strawberry ice cream. He was drinking whisky. Outside it was storming.

“Americans are strong with their alcohol,” she said, authoritatively. “Australians too.”

“We’re bigger people. We can fit more inside us.”

“I think I’m strong with my alcohol too.”

“I bet you are.”

“I like beer. I drink every day.”

“Alone?”

“Sometimes. I don’t always get drunk. It’s usually just a drink or two.”

“I like beer too. Tonight I’m drinking whisky.”

“Will you drink beer later?”

“Maybe. Will you?”

“Once I get home. I’ll put on a record and open the windows. I’ll feed my bird and check my messages. That will be a good time for beer.”

“I think it will.”

***
Autumn rain on a Saturday morning put moisture in the cool air. The city is already alive. Cars passing down the streets, the sound of rainwater spinning through tires overrides the revving of engines and the squeal of brakes. It rained all night. The trees lining the boulevard have begun their annual transformation to a colorful death. Bright yellow. Deep red. Bold orange. Fading green. A rainy fog hangs low in the hills. The sky is grey and opaque.

The curtains are drawn, open to the world. But the view is limited. Beyond the hills, all is grey.

There’s a calendar on the wall. The picture on the top panel is of a man hanging a fishing rod over a rail into the sea. The sun is either rising or setting. It’s difficult to tell. It’s is a beautiful photo. The calendar month is August. In reality it is the beginning of November. The beauty of the picture made turning the page to the next month or the one after seem unnecessary.


Then comes the typhoon. The clouds grow dark and the wind picks up. The rain pours and pours. The river rises but doesn't crest its banks. The howling wind gets in to every corner of the world, sending chills down our spines.

We hold on tight for it is all we can do to brace ourselves from the storm. We keep on living, undefeated by the howling beast.

Perhaps a typhoon is like a full moon. Changing people, bringing out their other side. Or maybe it was just good timing that the typhoon came alongside Halloween.

***

Earlier, with Richard at the Café del Mar. We sat, drinking beer and dreaming of the night.

The café is slow. The storm outside is keeping people at home. Only one other table is sat. A young couple, drinking wine and smoking cigarettes.

“The party’s tomorrow. We need costumes, James.”

“I can’t be the same thing as I was last year, though it’s tempting since nobody here would know.”

"What were you?"

"A deviled egg. Cheapest costume ever. Pitchfork and horns. And a white T-shirt with a yellow yolk drawn on it."

"Nice, mate. But what are we going to do for tomorrow?"

"We should dress in drag. I’ve never worn woman’s cloths before."

“You serious? Let’s do it.”

“I think we can pull it off. What size are you?


***
Dressing as a woman give me a new appreciation for the things a real woman has to endure constantly in the name of proper fashion. I’m used to having pockets and wearing pants. Dresses, I’ve realized, are not made with pockets. One must accessorize with a purse. When leave the house I carry with me a small but certain number of things. Wallet. Keys. Phone. Cigarettes. Lighter. If I weren't a smoker, perhaps life as a woman would be easier. But I had quite a hard time trying to cram all my necessities into my small furry handbag.

In Japan dress sizes, I wear a nine. That’s an American size six. Felt pretty good about that one. Six is a good size to be. But I was jealous of Rich’s dress because it was much sexier than mine, and honestly, I have the legs it takes to properly wear a sexy dress. But alas, I showed up to the party in a dress much too conservative for the kind of night I was looking for, and Rich got all the attention.

The hem fell below my knees and there was not much of a neckline. It was a housewife’s dress. Not something a 23-year-old woman would wear, but with the limited selection that fit within my Halloween budget, I made due: I found a cheap pair of black Jackie’O shades, gaudy costume jewelry, a cigarette holder and a hideous handbag that matched the ensemble.

For the shoes, I went with hiking boots. That was the most appropriate choice.

October 23rd 2007

I’m sitting alone at a place called Milky Way. I heard they had a good salad bar, so I thought I’d check it out. There are may people in the restaurant, but everyone is spread out fairly well. It does not seem crowded.

In front of me is a glowing red neon sign reading: SALAD SOUP

I am in the smoking section, which is oddly placed right next to the salad bar. Any health code inspector in America would shit bricks if they saw a place that let people smoke cigarettes a mere yard or so from uncovered food at a buffet table. This country never ceases to bewilder me.

Sitting near me are two women, probably in their forties. They are chain smoking and talking about insurance. I can’t tell if they’re just discussing it, or if one of them is trying to sell it to the other. The conversation seems rather informal. One of the women has disproportionately thin legs. The top of her body is stout, barrel chested, like she might have trained as a competitive lumberjack. But her legs are tiny. There is no fat on them. The veins and muscles bulge through her skin. She could probably put a foot through a front door with little effort. She just got up and walked outside.

The woman she left sitting there is coughing up phlegm. I could hear her swallow the yellow goo from my booth next to hers. We both lit a cigarette at the same time. The people here seem to be of all ages and backgrounds. Groups of women in their twenties, sitting in sets of two or three, laughing about whatever. A salary man with his tie loosened, eating alone. An old couple sitting in silence. A young couple, looking high and in love. Then there’s me. Who knows why I’m here.

The stocky woman just came back inside. She’s carrying several booklets and papers. Now I can tell she’s definitely trying to sell the coughing woman insurance. I don’t know much about the world of insuring. What? there’s life insurance, home insurance, health insurance, auto insurance…probably lot more, I’m sure you can insure anything. Point is, if I were sitting in front of somebody, trying to buy insurance, I probably wouldn't be smoking. Just seems like it would work out to your advantage. Whatever. It’s none of my business. She’s signing the papers now. The deed is done.

***

Yesterday I was sitting at home after work and I got a message from Michael saying to meet he and Rich at Purnima at seven o’clock. I changed clothes and went for a quick run as the sun was setting, then had a shower and rode over to the restaurant. I was the first one there. I went inside and said hello to Baba, the owner and chef. He’s a middle aged guy from India, always wears brightly covered turbans and tunics which do little to mask the belly he’s grown from years of drinking beer. He always asks Rich and me how we stay thin. We tell him it’s all the beer and curry. This makes him laugh.

I sat down at the usual table.

“Hey Foley,” said Baba from behind the tandoori oven where he was forming a massive piece of naan.

“How’s it going tonight? Keeping busy?”

“Oh, you know it man, sometimes we slow, sometime we busy. It’s fucking cold outside but this kitchen is always hot.”

“You like it hot Baba, you’ve always said so.”

“Yeah man, that’s sure thing. Who else is coming? Any beautiful ladies?”

“Not tonight. Just Mike and Rich.”

“You’re so young man, you should always be with the ladies, you know. Before you get fat like Baba.”

“I’ll work on it. No one really piques my interest in this town. These country girls are afraid of foreigners, especially Americans. Our reputation precedes us.”

“That’s no good man. Say, if it’s just you guys tonight, we hookh later, okay?”

I glanced at the corner of the Indian restaurant towards the massive waterpipe on a shelf. Strange trinkets and talismans dangled from it, like a relic of some spiritual significance.

“Yeah, smoking the hookah sounds nice. It’s been a while. But for now, while I’m waiting, I’ll have a beer.”

“What kind beer? You want Indian beer or nama beer?”

“Nama.”

Then, switching to Japanese, Baba shouts towards the kitchen where the restaurant’s only other employee is waiting: Sumimasen, nama biiru hitotsu onagaishimasu!

I finished half the pint of beer before Rich and Mike turned up. They bought Nas along with them. She had recently gotten out of the hospital, where she was held for a week as the doctors tried to figure out why she was having piercing pains in her stomach. They let her out a week ago, after the pain died down. I was surprised to see her.

We sat talking about the weekend, all recalling hazy memories of the enkai we threw ourselves on Friday night. Historically the Iwaki Board of Education throws an enkai when the new ALTs arrive. But this year there were so many of us that they couldn’t afford it, evidently. So after two months of waiting, we took it upon ourselves to all gather for a night of booze and food. Good times were had by most. The ones that couldn’t hold their liquor might have regretted paying 3000 yen for the all-you-can eat and drink event.

After studying the menus we ordered four vegetarian curries, two of the famously giant pieces of naan and more beer.

Right as the food came out Nas grew incredibly ill. Her color faded and her usually cheery face sunk into a grimace of pain. She said that she felt like she did before she went to the hospital, which was evidently pretty shitty. She tried to stay with it, to keep herself in the conversation, but it was no use she was not doing well. She called work and said that she was sick again and that she would go back to the doctor in the morning.

She rode her bike about 30 minutes to get to the restaurant. I told her to ride to my apartment and rest there until she felt better.

“It’s just 5 minutes away,” I said. “The door is unlocked. You can rest on my couch, watch the TV. When you get there, go into my medicine cabinet and take out the orange bottle of pills. Don't take more than two.”

“What are they? Will they make it better?”

“They’re 500 milligram tabs of hydrocodone. I take them recreationally, but they’re quite powerful and good at taking away all the pain.”

“Okay, thanks James,” she said and left the restaurant, not touching her food.

Good thing we were hungry.

“Hey Rich, what are you doing over Christmas?” said Mike.

“I dunno mate. I might go back home.”

“Want to come to China with me and Nas? We’re going to book tickets at the end of the week, once we get the quotes form the travel agent.”

“What are you going to do?” Rich said.

“We’ll wander around. Probably spend some time down in Hunan. Still ironing out the details.”

“I reckon I better go back to England. I haven’t been home since I’ve been here.”

“I’ve never been to Europe,” I said. “I want to go to France.”

“Why?” said Rich. “Everyone there is French.”

“I dunno, if I had to pick a European country to visit, it would be France.”

“I’m done with English speaking countries,” he said. “I don’t want to travel to any more of them. Except maybe Antarctica. I saw an advertisement in a magazine for a job there. The best job ever. Extreme Mountaineer. Wouldn't that look awesome on your C.V.? Five years. Extreme mountaineer.”

“What would you do?”

“Be a research assistant. Climb ice covered mountains, risk life and death.”

“I heard that you can go and live in an Antarctic compound and basically get paid to hang out. I think a professor told me about. No one is in the Antarctica except for scientists. They’re all holed up in these compounds, hundreds of them. They have to have someone to cook the food and clean things up and whatnot. So you can get a service type job down there and make a killing. And where would you spend any of the money? You’d come back home with lots of cash.”

“Maybe we should go?”

“Maybe.”


We ate our dinner. Nas’s too. There were few leftovers. Afterwards Baba brought the hookah to our table, along with three cups of chai.

“Thanks,” I told Baba. “What flavor did you put in?”

“Rose. I was gonna do melon. But I think that’s too sweet with the chai.”

We started smoking.

“I’m going to Thailand in December. I’ll be there for Christmas and New Year’s.”

“You’ll like it,” said Rich. “Just stay away from Phuket town.”

“You didn’t care for Phuket?”

“No, it was a shit hole. I got there and left right away. It’s real seedy. My hostel had holes in the floor.”

“I’m flying in and out of Bangkok. I don’t know if I’ll make it down to Phuket or not. I’d like to see at least one of the islands.”

“I had a great time in Phuket when I was there,” said Mike. “My friend and I stayed in a cheap hotel and hung out on a private beach with a friend who was staying at a resort with his family. Once we went to a girly bar and saw some weird stuff.”

“Like what?”

“Girls doing crazy things with their vaginas. Like peeling bananas and smoking cigarettes. This girl would stick a cigarette inside her and smoke half of it, then pass it around the bar for the customers to smoke.”

“Did you smoke it?”

“No, I don’t smoke cigarettes.”

This morning I put out too much instant coffee in the mug, so much that the beverage became super supersaturated and thick as tar. I drank half of if and left it on the counter and went to work. Ever since I came home, I’ve been filling the cup with hot water. I’ve drank several cups and between that and a healthy amount of cigarettes and squares of dark chocolate I am sufficiently wired. At this point, my beverage is more or less hot water tinted with the brown hue of what was once a mug of coffee. I don’t think more caffeine will do any good, it’ll just keep me up later than it already is. Drinking hot water is not something I usually do. It’s sort of odd, but adding tea or more coffee or just drinking water from the tap doesn't seem right. The cold is creeping in. Along with the darkness.

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything on this blog. I told myself that I’ve been too busy to write anything. That’s a lie. I have plenty of time. I just can’t find the motivation. It’s getting dark earlier and earlier. The sun goes down before 530. It sinks down below mountains, dropping off the horizon to shine upon a new part of the world. It leaves behind nothing. There is no twilight. Just midnight black. It’s as dark at 6pm as it is at three in the morning. This darkness is crippling. It has taken control of my mind. It keeps me indoors, unmotivated and imprisoned in this cell of an apartment. I’m free to come and go as I please, but I can’t muster up the effort. Going anywhere means spending money, unless I just take a walk in the dark.

Reality is setting in. The vacation is over. Welcome back to existence.

The dishes and garbage pile up in sinks and on the floor. Unfolded laundry, both clean and dirty, rest in corners and strewn about on the backs of chairs and furniture. When left to my own devices, this solitude is a messy thing. It can make a literal mess: dirty floors and sinks. Or it can make a mess of the mind. I was scatter brained long before I came here. That hasn’t changed. I can’t focus on one task for too long before distraction or boredom or slumber takes hold. I pick up a book, I fall asleep. I try to write, and I start fucking around on the internet. I try to study or learn something new, then suddenly the guitar sitting in the corner seem much more interesting.

I stopped drinking for a while, took a whole week off. Didn’t write a word. Started back up again one Friday night and by Sunday I remembered why I took a break in the first place. I can’t find any balance between the extremes.

My mind has been too saturated with stimulants and distractions. It’s been one long paid holiday since I’ve been here, and I’ve been living in a dream or a cloud or something equally opaque, something that prevented me from recognizing the other side to all of this.

Over the weekend I went canyoning. This entailed traveling about 6 hours away into the mountainous region northwest of Tokyo. The water flowing down the mountains was cold as ice. I had on a full-body wetsuit padded with about 15 millimeters of rubber and it was still cold cold cold. I set off into the mountains with a group of 12 and two guides. We’d jump into the mountain streams and let them carry us down the path to waterfalls, which we’d jump off of, landing in deep pools of water. Anything too high or steep to jump off of was abseiled down. I had never done anything like this before, it was quite amazing.

It was on the bus ride back that I realized something was missing.

I sat alone in the back, as the bus sped down the dark highway. I was listening to Explosions in the Sky on my iPod, staring out the window, looking at nothing. My mind was somewhere far, far away. It was thinking about home.

Home for me is a strange word. It is not concrete. America is home, in a broad sense. But to get more specific than that requires a lot of explaining. I tell everyone I meet here that I come from Kansas City. Most assume Kansas City to be in the state of Kansas, and even though it’s mainly in Missouri and I was technically a Missouri resident, I don’t bother correcting them on the details.

At school, when ever I teach a class for the first time I give a self introduction. Since I have five different schools, each with six grades with and at least two classes per grade, I’ve given my self intro a lot.

I tell them I come from Kansas. I tell them about the sunflowers and the Wizard of Oz. I show them pictures of tornadoes and of the prairie.

I don’t mention that I only lived in KS for four years or that I’ve never seen a tornado and that the wizard of oz is something I’ve only seen once, long ago.

I do this for simplicity’s sake. It’s not necessary to give them my life story. But what about the people I interact with outside of school? Other English teachers, Japanese friends? They don’t necessarily get the whole truth either.

Nobody here knows me. They don’t know who I am, they don’t know what I do, they don’t know my story.

It works both ways too. I don't know any of their stories either. Sure, it takes time to build relationships and develop trust and everything. But as I was sitting on that bus looking out into the darkness, I realized the full force of this notion.

When I think of home, I don’t think of a place. I think of people. I think about their faces and their eyes. They way their hair looks. Random nights and moments we shared together, some of great significance, others so minute that I have no explanation for why they linger in my mind. But all these thoughts and images and memories form what I call home. Home is not a place. Home is people. Going home means returning to those people.

My eyes could see nothing, but in my mind everything was exploding in a blurry chaos. Through the swirling torrent of faces and memories, I landed on one moment in particular. My last night in America. Nicole and Chad’s house. Most people from the farewell send off had left and I did not know when I would see them again.

It was time for me to go too.

Standing there in the entryway, Nicole, Jenna, Ryan and I. A sad song was playing on the stereo and it was appropriate. Tears and emotion and sadness were held back all night. There was no time to react as the guests were leaving. Even as I said goodbye to the girl I love, giving her a hug for one last time before she left, there was little emotion. But everything that had been building inside me all summer, building towards this final moment before I took the last step and went out the door, ending another chapter in my life, all of that emotion and feeling and joy and sadness came out all at once. Jenna and I hugged for an eternity, embracing with such force it broke the levy. Flooding. Tears. Sobs. Everything erupting, coming to the surface.

This vivid memory came back to me in full force sitting there on the bus. It made me very happy and very sad.

It’s wonderful to have people like this in my life. But it’s terrible that they’re so far away.

Having people you love and trust and enjoy being around is incredibly important. It’s a key to survival.

I’m sure this can happen here. But it hasn’t yet, at least not to me and I’m beginning to doubt my ability to survive on the island. Maybe it won’t be as easy as I thought.

The more I think I know, the more I realize I don’t understand.

if RADIOHEAD is important to you, stop reading and go here now:

http://rangelifemusic.blogspot.com/